30 days in my Toms® – Beautiful to Thee

You know the saying that talks about walking a mile in someone’s shoes? Well I want to invite you on a journey to experience some of the craziness that goes on in my world. I want to invite you to experience some of the the powerful lessons I am learning, the effect those lessons have on my struggles and to get a glimpse into my dreams, visions and big circle prayers. And Toms® are my favorite shoes so it only makes sense! 

Today’s blog has been written for several days now, but my hesitancy to share it stems from a very painful struggle I battle daily. Beauty. My struggle with self esteem has defined me for so long that it has created a wall that separates me from my Creator. As I have begun to pray for deliverance from a very negative perception of myself, I have been given a holy glimpse of beauty through the eyes of the Creator of beauty. If you have ever felt unbeautiful, this message is for you.

Day 1~ Beautiful To Thee

When I was a little girl I was in love with the sky. Clouds were a playground for my imagination, stars carried away my wishes and taught me to dream, and sunsets completely captivated me. As women, we are naturally drawn to beauty. We notice it, we admire it and we model it. Beauty is captivating. And so much of our worth is put into those three simple words, you are beautiful. 

 One definition of beauty is something that is pleasing to the eye. When I am told that I am beautiful, it touches my heart in a way words rarely can. If I, an imperfect person with a life stained with mistakes could be considered beautiful, how much more worthy of this title is our God. 

While worshipping this week, I was reminded that God is a God of power, fairness, justice, omnipotence and love. He is a God of mercy, forgiveness and grace. But He is also a God of beauty. As women, we have a unique understanding of beauty. We respect and long for beauty that is pure, genuine and real- yet we also intimately understand the abuse and obsession that makes beauty an impossible attainment. We have all been touched by beauty and have mourned for it. When I watch something that is beautiful be torn down or destroyed it breaks my heart. So how much more does it break the heart of God?

    Not only is God a God of beauty- He is it’s creator. And beauty is not an achievement, it is a gift that we are born with. Let’s face it, it’s hard to see ourselves as beautiful. We spend much of our lives chasing after that which we have been told to believe will make us beautiful. Expensive clothes, makeup, spankx, photoshop, diets, eating disorders, plastic surgeries. We have all been guilty of a few of these- at the very least we have all wished away fat, compared ourselves to another woman and have created ideas in our minds of how we want to look.  Although we may feel like these details are minor, every second we spend obsessing about how beautiful we are not, we are breaking the heart of God because God sees in us what He created- beauty. 

I am convinced that children hear the whispers of God in a unique and powerful way. They don’t yet question or fight the truth, they simply believe. Every little girl has heard and at one time believed God’s promise that they are beautiful. Just watch little girls as they twirl, dance and play. There is a sparkle in their eye that never disappears regardless of the clothes they are wearing, the state their hair is in or the shape of their bodies. Nothing changes as we get older. God still whispers those words to us, you are beautiful. It is up to us to listen for His voice and then to choose whether or not to believe Him.

Why does He put so much effort into reminding us of this when we hardly ever listen? Because He is captivated by us. The God of the universe who created the clouds, the stars, and each and every sunset , is captivated by you. 

“Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:10-11 NLT

It does not matter what the world sees or thinks. You are beautiful in God’s eyes because He did not create imperfections and flaws. He created man and woman in His own image (Genesis 1:27) and then He looked upon his creation and He saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:31). 

Do you believe Him? 

As I write this, I am incredibly convicted. I don’t believe this on a daily basis. It’s a mental battle for me to believe this truth. This past year I have chosen to pursue a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight and working out is a struggle because I tend to obsess- not eating enough and working out too much. I make every excuse in the book as to why I did not meet my calorie count for the day- but the bottom line is, I have created a definition of what beauty should look like, and when I fall short of that, I feel everything but beautiful.

God did not intend for me to live life this way. He has purposed me for greater things of which I cannot focus on when I am too busy feeling unbeautiful and never good enough. 

“Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good.” Genesis 1:31

You are good enough. 
You are captivating.
You are beautiful. 

May you begin to listen to His whispers again.

Where there is Love, Fear doesn’t stand a chance

Fear is a trap. There are so many emotions that keep us from living what is best for us, but fear is by far the most debilitating perpetrator. Fear is so often silent. Unlike anger, jealousy and bitterness-fear is often the unseen predator. And many who struggle with fear don’t even realize the impact it has had on their life.

As a little girl, I always had this fear of the dark. I was terrified of falling asleep without the light from a tiny night light which would act as a shield to drive away the monsters. It’s amazing how comforting a small beam of light  can be to a child. There was still darkness dwelling in the room, but where there was light there was peace.

As the New Year starts, I have spent some time reflecting back to this past year. And let me tell you, 2013 was a crazy year. Here are some highlights…

-I went on my first mission trip- to the DR where I found my calling to bring LeadHer to Pregnancy Centers and also had the amazing opportunity to share a piece of my heart to so many women trapped in a world where the abuse of sex is all they know.
-I met, started dating and fell in love with the man I hope to someday marry
-I took trips to Florida, Alabama and a spontaneous God trip to D.C. with LeadHer
-I became a LeadHer Director, a mentor at my local pregnancy care center, a youth leader at my church and brought a LeadHer chapter to my local PCC.
-I developed some incredible friendships that have changed my life and I have also begun to restore relationships that were damaged
-And I quit nursing school to pursue my calling and my passion to work full time serving girls  through LeadHer- a passion and calling I also discovered in this crazy year

Crazy, huh?

As I was reflecting back to some of these events- I was beyond amazed at the remembrance of all the fear each of these opportunities and life changes have held. Fear that was at times crippling, heartbreaking and potentially goal-stopping. At each intersection my journey led me- I have had to make really tough decisions. And I have soaked each decision in tears and prayer. Yet, the difference between this year and every year before this has been that although fear was consistently a factor, it did not hold me back.

I believe what has set this year apart has been this crazy thing called faith. And the realization that I am so in love with a God whose love for me is even crazier. He longs to spend time with me, to know me and to fulfill His promises to me. He desires my whole heart and promises that I already have His. His love is unconditional, steadfast and perfect-love that paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I could spend eternity loving Him back. Living life in this kind of love is the only force strong enough to drive away fear. As John lovingly reminds us, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18 ESV) This is one of my favorite Bible verses because it is a beautiful reminder of how it is not the absence of fear but the presence of love, perfect love that becomes the catalyst for changing for the world. And it is a clear direction for us as well. In a world that is darkened by fear- love is the light that brings peace and hope to a world longing for a change. It is by love that we change the world.

Do you believe in love so powerful that it can drive out fear and change the world? If not, what fear is holding you back from believing that it is through perfect love that you exist? Perfect love that you are saved. And perfect love that qualifies you to act as a world changer for Christ.

The Adventure

 

 When I sit down to paint, I love the look of a blank canvas. The canvas represents perfection, purity and something completely untouched. It is delicate, innocent and beautiful in it’s simplicity. But a blank canvas is only beautiful for so long. Imagination immediately begins to design the space with images, symbolism, color and light. The promise of endless possibilities. My imagination can paint pictures for days- but it is not until I defile the pure canvas face with paint that my visions become creation. 

  Artistry holds incredible risk. First the risk to fail,to create an undesirable painting that accounts for nothing but wasted time and energy. Second, however is the risk of never starting. I carry a prayer journal, and in, I often jot down the inspirations for beautiful paintings I have dreamed or imagined. But more often, those inspirations wither with time, for words on paper do not compare to paint on canvas. In these risks, painting becomes an adventure. And I an adventurer.

Life is much like painting. We were all designed to be adventurers. As Mark Batterson describes, “The need for adventure is part of God’s genetic design.” As children, we all have lived in worlds of imagination in which we engage in epic battles, partake in wild escapades through jungles and forests, and envision world of heroes and villains. There is a thrill in danger, adrenaline in risk and a sheer desire to live an epic life removed from ever settling. And then we grow up. The need for security and stability overwhelms the desire and the fear of failure extinguishes the passion. We grow up to live as we never intended to. We settle. 

   I believe that adventure is a part of our design because our Creator is the ultimate adventurer. He displayed this the moment he stated, “Let there be light.” (Genesis 1:3). He dwelt in a world of perfect glory-His glory. Yet He desired more, so he created the universe. And in the universe, he created a tiny planet called earth, in which we carved the figure of a man out of dust and breathed life into Him. He created man in His image. How much more adventurous can you get? The rest of history is an adventure. He could have dispelled evil with a single word. He could have saved mankind with just a thought. Yet, he created the ultimate adventure by sending His son as a baby to live among us, to be tortured and killed for our sins, and to be resurrected so that we may have life. Death for Life. Life for Redemption. Redemption for Eternity. 

    In my life, God has challenged me to live a life of adventure. An adventure that called me to quit nursing school to trust in His provision and work full time reaching the hearts of girls and women everywhere to help them discover their calling, their passion and their purpose. To recognize their worth, their beauty and their significance in furthering the Kingdom of God. It’s a life riddled with adventure, risk, failure and fear. Yet, I choose to live a life of adventure, rather than a life of security and settling. 

  I challenge you to evaluate the adventure in your life. What dreams are you not living? What risks are you not taking? And what callings are you not pursuing? Where has God called you to live a life of an adventure? And what’s keeping you from your adventure? Instead of just living in your imagination, take the risk and pick up your paintbrush. You may fail it, but the adventure will be worth it. 

Disqualified: I’m Little

  So I felt led to start a topic on the countless ways we disqualify ourselves from the service of the Kingdom. Go back and read that sentence again. I am not writing about the things that do disqualify us, but the things we think disqualify us. There is an incredible amount of assumption that goes on to prevent the armies of God from, well, fighting. One of my friends and I have a running joke- we are both short and while taking on tasks that at times are just designed for tall people ( like carrying folding chairs up and down two flights of stairs)- we look at each other and exclaim “I’m Little!” In high pitched, probably rather annoying voices- we simply accept what holds us back from accomplishing bigger, stronger, taller-people tasks.

I’m Little. How often have you used this excuse? Maybe not in those exact words. Possibly something more along the lines of, “I don’t know enough people,” “People don’t listen to me,” “But I’m not a leader,” “I’m just one person,” “I can’t do that,” “I don’t know how to do that,”…. sound familiar?

As a little girl, I had a fascination for the stars. Not just the single, enormous entities of particles, dust, gas and ice, but also the galaxies. I inherited this fascination from my father. We would spend summer evenings lying in the hammock or on the picnic table identifying constellations, watching for shooting stars, and imagining the great distance that separated the galaxies to imprint our night sky with only a simple sparkle of light. Our own home galaxy is about 100,000 lightyears across. 1 lightyear is equal to 5,865,696,000,000 miles. That is an insane amount of miles. The largest known spiral galaxy, NGC 6872 is believed to be 5 times the Milky Way’s size. It is so far away that it is not even visible to stargazing children. There is no more significant way to feel insignificant, than to study the size of the universe. But there is no significant way to see our significance than to study the size of the universe. Out of all the billions of galaxies, the billions of lightyears and hundreds of thousands of billions of miles in our universe, Jesus died for you.

When I try to disqualify myself by accepting my smallness and insignificance, God always finds away to tell me otherwise. By no means does He ever tell me I’m big, because the fact is – I’m short, my circle of influence is small, I am only one person and I don’t even have a very loud voice. I am small. But God is big.

Last May I got the beautiful opportunity to travel to Destin, Florida where I shared my story at a women’s conference and then got to spend the following day at the beach. The weather was semi chilly and it even started to rain, but there was nothing that could stop two Missouri girls from playing in the waves. As I watched the waves crash on the shore and stared off into the ocean as far as I could see (and in all honesty, we were only staring into the Gulf- the Gulf compared to our oceans is kind of like the Milk Way compared to the universe), I was overwhelmed by how big the ocean was. Not only that, but how small I was. But then God reminded me, Yes Holly, you are small. But I am big.

Our size does not disqualify us. It actually distinctly qualifies us. It is not by our doing that we change the world, it is all credit to God in us. He uses what we think disqualifies us to make the biggest impact because it’s only then can we make an impact that leads to His glory instead of our own.

“They did not conquer the land with their sword; it was not their own strong arm that gave them victory. It was your right hand and your strong arm and the blinding light from your face that helped them, for you loved them.” Psalm 44:3 [NLT]

How Worn are your Knees?

How worn are your knees? I am a runner and there are days when my body feels worn. The wear and tear of exercise causes a soreness that is incomparable to any other form of pain. But I’m not talking about the wear from use, I’m talking about the wear from prayer. So again, I ask, how worn are your knees?

 

About a month ago, God challenged my world with a simple command. A command that rocked some relationships, challenged my faith and brought me to my knees. In the middle of this prayerful season, I went to a women’s conference at a local church. The message was powerful, the conviction felt and I watched as women of all ages approached the altar in holy surrender and desperate longing for direction, forgiveness, acceptance and healing. While worship music encompassed the crowd of prayerful warriors, heartbroken daughters and willing servants- I was drawn to a single woman. She approached the altar, a cane in her right hand and an agonizing limp in her left leg. Her pace was slow. Her face distraught. I watched in heartbreak as she attempted to kneel, but her physical body would not allow her the descent to her knees. 

 

I studied her expression as I saw the slow creep of discouragement spread over her aged brow. She began a slow trek to the side of the stage where benches had been place out of the way. As she approached the nearest bench, she placed her hands on the seat and eased herself down. With one knee bent and the other stretched behind her, she assume a stance of prayerful pleading. For the remainder of the song and into the closing message, she prayed. Silent words spilling from her lips as she surrendered her heart to God on one bended knee. 

 

As the night drew to a close, I watched as as she struggled to get up. Her stiff body made the ascent even more challenging, but as she slowly turned to begin the journey back to her seat, I was drawn to her expression once again. Where minutes before was anguish, discouragement, and grief now appeared peace. And with each painful step, a small smile spread across her face. 

 

 

 How often in my youth and health do I take for granted the ability  to fall to my knees to assume a stance of humility? Or their strength to stand and answer the call to action? I can only imagine the soreness this woman must have felt for the remainder of the day, but how incomparable is the pain of prayer to that of age and injury. I found myself convicted and challenged to use my knees to the full extent of their created purpose- to approach my Heavenly Father in submission, humility and surrender. Since that conference, I have spent many nights in prayer- most on my knees. The burn of carpet has not kept me from pleading, praising and dreaming- in fact it inspires me to pray harder, praise louder and dream bigger. So, yet again I ask, how worn are your knees?

 

 

Just One More Time

Sitting in class this morning, I felt the weight of decision I’ve been called to make. The clock struck 0800. I felt my pulse begin to race as the teacher stood at the front of the class, tests in hand. Playing with the pencil in my hand, I begin reciting every piece of information crammed into my brain from the night before. I can almost hear the clock ticking in unison with the click of my teacher’s heels on the cold linoleum floor. She is almost at my desk. I can do this. I can do this. But what if I can’t?

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

I can do all things through Christ you strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13 

Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6-7

And suddenly, there’s peace. 

Growing up, my parents felt like it was important that my little sister and I received a Chrsitian education. One of my favorite memories was sitting on the living room floor with a piece of paper and pencil, writing my memory verse out over and over again. Then proudly handing the paper to my mom to grade. I remember the pride I would feel as she would mark my paper with a star or a smiley face. 100%. 

As a 6 year old, I did not comprehend the importance of these actions. Week after week, year after year of verse memoriazation, I simply took it as one more challenge to accept and another skill to master. I would store these verses in my brain only to forget the next morning, but years later, I have realized that although rusty, the verses are still there. And now they are hidden in my heart. 

I find myself reciting these simple verses in situations of fear, confusion or frustration. And I always think back to those nights spent drinking hot chocolate next to our wood burning fireplace or eating 3 scoops worth of vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup watching PBS. I would roll my eyes as my mom would hand me a new piece of paper. “Just one more time, Holly.” 

Just one more time. 

I have always taken for granted the foundation of faith I received as a little girl. It took me years to make my faith my own, but looking back, I am so thankful for those nights spent writing my Bible verse just one more time. Today, those verses have become the love language of my heart. 

So for all the days I didn’t say it, Thanks Mom for one more time. 

Beautiful Scars

I used to be cutter. As a teenager, one of the only ways I knew how to deal with my emotions was to put a razor blade to my skin. It is not something I am necessarily proud of but the shame I used to feel has since vanished. It has been almost 3 years since my last cut and all that remains are the memories and scars. The Beautiful scars. 

As a teenager, the scars represented power- and they were the definition of who I thought I was- damaged. Each scar was another reminder that I was flawed, not pretty enough, and unlovable. I loved my scars because they were the physical proof that I would never be good enough. But secretly, my scars carried more shame than I would have ever been willing to admit. I would stand in the mirror and allow the lies to pour over me until I believed every whisper. 

Those days are far behind me. The rescue from my dark addiction is a story for a different day. I want to focus on the power my scars give me today- because whether physical or emotional, self inflicted or given to us by someone who is supposed to love us, we all have scars. Scars that become the definition of who we think we are and scars that hold us back from all that we are capable of accomplishing. Even a year ago, I took extra lengths to cover the thin, pale scars that still remain. I was ashamed- not of them but of what they represented to me- those lies that I continued to believe. Today my perception of those scars is much different. I no longer feel the need to cover my scars because they are a reminder of where I’ve been and what I’ve overcome.

The cool thing is that by my own attempts to find healing and recovery from my past, I turned to behavior that was destructive. I further buried myself into a deep pit of lies, wounds and self hate that became so deep that I was incapable of finding my way out. The second I released that struggle to God, the struggle lost its power. 

I realized that it took so much more than my own willpower and desire to find the healing I needed. It took the beautiful scars of Jesus Christ who took my shame upon himself and replaced it with His purity and His forgiveness. His scars which were given to Him by people just like me, people who have broken the heart of our Father over and over again. So today when I look at my own scars, I am reminded of the sacrifice that rescued me. 

Scars take on many shapes and forms. They may be physical, emotional, or wounds to the heart. They may be a result of poor choices or they may be the infliction of others upon us but whatever scars you have, I challenge you to change your perspective. Do not hide the pieces of your past that have played such a huge role in shaping the person you are today. Do not allow yourself to continue to harbor shame when your shame has been taken from you and is as far from you as the east is from the west. Let the scars of your Savior touch you, heal you and redeem you. I challenge you to see your scars as your beautiful path of redemption. 

 

I drew this picture one afternoon instead of giving in to the temptation to cut. The words are the lyrics of Josh Wilson’s song “Before the Morning.”

God Pleaser

I have to make a confession. I am a people pleaser. As a decision becomes my responsibility to make, my blood pressure begins to rise, I can feel my heart racing, and I begin surveying my environment for the nearest location to hide. The decision could be as significant as making a career choice or it could simply be what I want to eat for dinner. My mind begins to spin and I evaluate every option. Oftentimes I curl up in a ball and avoid all eye contact as I whisper a pleading request to pass the responsibility on to another. After all, I couldn’t possibly carry on my conscience the decision of Sunday’s afternoon lunch. What if my decision causes someone to resent me? Or lose their respect for me? Or what if my decision leads to a bout of terrible food poisoning that puts everyone in bed for 24 hours. My over anxious brain becomes a breeding ground for worst case scenarios and someone else always ends up making the decision for me.

I’ll admit the above example may air on the side of dramatic, but I’m not even kidding when I say that I have major anxiety over making decisions. When introduced to the idea of pros and cons lists, I discovered that the majority of either list is made up of what will disappoint and what will please. Rarely do I include a small slot for what I want to do, or more importantly, what God has asked me to do. After all, God has promised to still love me, right? 
                                                                  
This morning in my quiet time, I was challenged to read the book of Nehemiah. Three things struck me most about his man. First of all, Nehemiah was so confident in his faith that he never questioned whether a prompting was from God or from himself. He knew God’s voice and he responded to his voice with action. Second was that Nehemiah covered every decision in prayer. I kind of love the way that Nehemiah speaks. In chapter 2 verse 4 it says, “Then the king said to me, ‘What are you requesting?'” And Nehemiah responds with, “So, I prayed.” And then he spoke. “So” is one of my favorite words, I tend to use it often to decorate both my speech and my written sentences. It is a happy transition from one thought to another, so small yet so significant. My favorite thing about the word “so” is that it is most often followed by an action. And in Nehemiah’s case, his action was prayer. 
The third thing that I love about Nehemiah is that he is a God pleaser. When God called Him to rebuild the wall, he asked for the King’s favor to depart, but then he tells no one. I like to collect input from everyone when I make big decisions. I disguise it under the proverb, “seeking wisdom,” but really I’m evaluating what decision will disappoint the least amount of people. 
No more. I want to live my life as a God pleaser. I want to strive to go when He says go, to stop when He says stop, and to jump when He says to jump. I want to live so dangerously and passionately for God that no one else’s opinions even attempt to sway my decision making ability. I want my story to read, God called. So, I followed. 

Who are you striving to please today? 

 

A Glimpse into my World

Passion has never been a characteristic that has been lacking in my journey. I have a crazy passionate heart that longs to fight for the hurting, scream for the silent and change the world for the better. My passion brings me to tears, laughter and hurt more times than I can count, but for most of my life, I have not known how to use my passion. It was simply in the way of everything logical and practical. And so my passion was forced to lie dormant in a submissive surrender to the hostile enemies of control and security. 

A little over a year ago, God stopped my car on a country road on an early Sunday morning and told me that enough was enough. It was time to stop fighting Him, to stop running, and to stop living for myself by myself. He stood between my impulsive, broken heart and suicide and set me on a journey of powerful healing, God-sized dreaming, colossal callings and crazy faith. My passion was reawakened, strengthened and given purpose. God sized purpose.

This blog is an attempt to document my crazy journey of dangerous passion and the pursuit of God-sized living (aka dreaming put into action). On the outside I’m just an ordinary girl. I’m 22, short, stubborn and filled with the desire to change the world. I love green tea and believe the illusion that chocolate can make every thing better. Hugs make my heart happy and I believe everyone deserves a second chance at life-even turtles on the highway. I cry at chick flicks and I swear the ocean speaks right to my soul. Caffeine is not my friend, and I secretly wish that life came with a soundtrack like it does in the movies. 

I’m just a crazy ordinary girl that shouldn’t even be here today, but because of the forgiving heart and redemptive love of my Daddy God- I’m here. And I choose to live my life sold out for Jesus because I was created for an extraordinary purpose. Watch out world.

 

Love,

Holly